It took 30 years to realize I’d been molested
I really have no rhythm or reason behind this post.
I was just led to write it so here we are.
I can't begin to explain the power in freedom.
No, not what we've been taught is freedom but real freedom. Freedom to live life on your own terms, no explanation given. Freedom to simply be.
I never knew that all this time I wasn't free but in bondage. Not because of someone else but because of me.
I've been a fake and a phony - and a secret keeper.
A proud secret keeper at that but man let me tell you, secrets are so dangerous.
The act of holding things in takes a terrible toll on your mind and body and on a metaphysical level I'm just now realizing how my (prideful) ability to hold things in contributed to the breakdown of my digestive and intestinal system. Simply put, my inner ability to "eliminate" became severely hindered by my outer inability to "eliminate".
As a write that I immediately get clarity on why I was led to share this.
Our health and overall wellness is being jeopardized by many things, but at the root of it all is us.
We have the power to confront and deal with things that are literally killing us, inside and out.
What I'm about to share, I've never told a soul. No one. Ever.
It's been my burden to carry. And I rightfully accepted this "badge of honor" as a child when I prayed and told God if He'd keep this secret and allow everyone involved to forget about it I would voluntarily carry it with me to my grave.
I remember this prayer distinctly. I told myself it wasn't a big deal. It certainly wasn't as bad as other stories I'd heard about. Yeah maybe it shouldn't have happened but just forget about it and move on.
And that's what I did. For years.
I wasn't haunted by it. I wasn't sad. I wasn't separated from the person who did it. As a matter of fact we've carried on "normally" ever since. Never spoken of it or addressed it in any way.
When I say I buried it, I buried that sucka and I did not think about it, period.
At one point I somewhat questioned the validity of it all.
"Was it really that bad?"
"Did it really happen the way you remember it?"
"Maybe they were playing the entire time?"
"Girl, it's not that serious, you were just a kid, it's not like they actually had "sex" with you."
I've never really been able to comprehend the magnitude of what had actually happened. Or consider that despite my strong woman attempts to bury it that deep down there was some painful residue that I couldn't see that was maybe, just maybe, affecting other parts of my life, unbeknownst to me.
Well until recently.
What I love about my journey now is that I have reconnected with me and there are no boundaries or areas that are off limits.
When I committed to being my best, mentally, physically and spiritually, that meant I would deal with and face every part of me whether I wanted to or not.
If I don't leave my daughter with any other legacy it will be that of living a life of truth and freedom and for that to happen I must do the hard work and live that myself.
The truth is I was molested. I was touched and violated as a young child, more than once, by someone very close to me.
It wasn't ok but unlike before I can now stare it dead in the face and acknowledge that it did happen.
No more secrets. My story is mines and I choose to deal with it, grow from it and move forward.
And that my friends, is no more chains.
So Rook, what's the point?
The point is, ladies and gents, that our battle is not against each other.
The truth is many of us are broken, hurt and scarred from the acts of others. But to heal it will require each of us to deal with our own secrets. The things we claim we are over, that don't bother us or things we haven't yet acknowledged in any way.
Trust issues? Anger issues? Jealously? Low self esteem? Are all rooted in something. No it doesn't have to be molestation but when there have been interactions, encounters or certain relationships that have not been dealt with properly it will leave a lasting effect on you, especially subconsciously.
We have to look at our actions, responses and thoughts about/towards other, specifically the opposite sex and question whether or not these responses are due to unsolved inner issues?
The real revolution has to take place with self first. Well adults create well children and well communities. Remember, "It is easier to build up a child than it is to repair an adult."
I've never desired to be a person anyone felt sorry for. In a world of joyful excuse making, I've never wanted to be an excuse maker. I am not a victim is my life mantra.
And I'm not. But I'm also not a fool either and life has taught me just enough to know that acknowledging where you've been is just as important as embracing what you're becoming.
To life I say, no more fear, no more shame, no more apologies .... no more secrets.
In the words of the lovely Khemmy @Melinatedbeauty, let's Heal Thyself 360.
Burdens are too heavy to carry. It's time to release them and rise up.